The Szechuan braised and roasted Pete’s Greens Pork Ribs, as well as the veggie fried rice, the orange steamed kale, and sweet and spicy sauce were all thrown into the compost before dinner service tonight, February 10, 2015, because of being far too delicious.

After much deliberation amongst the cooks who prepared the meal and the Sterling community members who happened to be in the kitchen at that time, it was decided that it would be unfair to anyone and any living creature not present for the meal to miss out on such amazing flavors and colors.

“Yeah, it was a tough decision,” lamented one Sterling Student in her senior year, “but it just seemed totally unjust to eat food this amazing if everyone who exists and has ever existed on this planet couldn’t also enjoy it.”  A faculty member echoed the sentiment, “This food would’ve been so good.  It would’ve been too good.   And imagine little Susie in Kansas, or a small family in the middle of some food desert, imagine the Floridians, or the Aussies sitting down to their “whatever” meals while we sat down to this unreal feast. I just felt so bad for those people I lost my appetite.  I mean I took a small bite…or ten…but mostly I threw it out.”

Tonight’s meal would have consisted of fresh ribs grown on Pete’s Greens Farm that were slowly braised in rice wine, then marinated for a few hours in a salty sweet, spicy, five-spiced marinade before being slowly dry roasted until the were tender. The fried rice was slowly cooked in Sterling Kitchen’s new steamer, the vegetables were delicately chopped by students in prep cook positions through the student work program, and the entire mix was tossed in a giant wok with fresh ginger, lime, cilantro, tamari, sesame seeds, egg, and fresh sprouts from Peace of Earth Farm.  “And oh yeah, the vegetarian and.vegan version, with that reedonkulous ginger limey marinade, slow roasted and topped with fresh herbs and stuff was amazeballs,” chimed in one of the vegetarians responsible for discarding the meal.

“It’s a sad sad loss for us here in the kitchen,” commented a long time employee of the Sterling kitchen, “we’re sorry to see it go…but what were we to do?  No human, insect, plant, rosebud, whatever, should ever have to miss a meal this ridiculously fantastic.”

The Sterling cooks’ team made sure to never make a meal that good ever again.  “Going forward it will be policy to only make mediocre food, and to source foods locally infrequently, and to utilize the wonderful bounty of meat, poultry, and vegetables we produce here at Sterling once in a while,” commented Simeon Bittman, Executive Chef at Sterling.  Bittman continued, “and in regards to tonight’s meal, it just seemed like it would be messed up if everyone who lives on this planet couldn’t partake in a meal with such incredible flavor combinations, a meal prepared this well, a meal so rarely or maybe even never enjoyed amongst so many people out there in the world.  So we just trashed it.  Conventional spaghetti with mass produced organic tomatoes in the sauce it shall be instead!  Yum.”

Discussions still continue about whether or not the food should go into the compost, as the compost will amend the soil, the soil will feed just a small number of worms, will feed only a small number of the plants that exist on the planet, and eventually feed only a very small portion of people again.  With so few beings, plants, worms, insects, or birds being able to partake in the delicious meal served tonight, the community is debating vaporizing it in a vacuum that will be siphoned into outer space where no one will be able to have any part in the enjoyment of it.

“It’s  everyone who enjoys it…or  no one,” said someone at some point.

 

*** We are just kidding!  Dinner was indeed epic – too delicious to believe – but heartily consumed by all…


Filed Under: Blog The Sterling Kitchen

  • Alan Parker

    I think you should have saved this post for April Fool’s Day. Hilarious. I had Spam croquette last night, so I have none of the pangs of guilt alluded to in this piece.

  • Melanie Reinhardt

    For once I am without words to describe my face when I started reading this…..and totally agree with Allen about the April fools day.
    Good one….C.or B.? I can see either one of you coming up with this. 😀

    • Melanie Reinhardt

      Simeon??? hahaha

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